Discriminate Against Hipsters

Well, it has been some time since the Ice Bear made a new post here. But he is back!

I saw a disgusting hipster bitch walking down the street last week. She said hello to her friend, and the way she did it seemed so fake. And of course, she had on that ridiculous sweatband or whatever hipster “women” wear on their heads. I think this is what makes them stupid. It cuts off circulation to their brains. Either that or the ink from all their Mickey Mouse tattoos lowers the IQ of the average hipster.

Anyway, here is my plan for dealing with the hipster plague.

1. If you own a store, don’t sell Pabst Blue Ribbon. Try humiliating those who want to buy it. If you work at a store, do this to the best of your ability. Maybe you can hide the PBR or “forget” to put it on the shelf.

2. Discriminate against hipsters in business establishments. If a hipster comes to your bar or restaurant, ignore them and don’t seat them if you can help it. If you can get away with throwing them out, do it. If you are a clerk or something, go on break or do something that takes a long time when you see a hipster is next in line. If you own a business, put up a “No Hipsters” sign on the window. Or just name a dish or drink something like “The Hipster Killer.”

3. If you are a teacher, give them bad grades if you can no matter how well they do in class. If you email the class, don’t email them. If you are a student in a class with a hipster, get people to avoid sitting near them. If you are on a project team, be bad teammates to them. When it’s time to evaluate, give the hipster a bad evaluation.

4. If you see a hipster walking down the street, beat them up if you can get away with it. If you can’t beat them up, spit on them and make it known you hate them because they are hipsters. If you see a hipster “woman” walking down the street, have the nearest normal female(s) beat her up. If this isn’t practical, spit on her and tell her hipsters aren’t welcome in your town.

5. If you see a hipster on the road, give them the finger and beep at them regardless of how they are driving. Throw things at them from your vehicle if the hipster is a pedestrian or on a bike.

6. Rip down or crumple up advertisements for hipster events, such as hipster concerts and teach-ins on how bathing is sexist. Then throw the crumpled up poster at the nearest hipster.

7. Get a group of friends together and stand outside of, or near, hipster hangouts and try to intimidate the hipsters as they walk by.

8. Have a public burning of books popular among hipsters.

9. Have an anti-hipster rally. I’d love to see images on the news of little hipsters crying because so many people hate them.

10. Damage bicycles that look like hipster bikes. Leave a note that says it’s because you don’t like hipsters.

11. Leave dead animals on hipsters’ porches.

12. Taint any nearby hummus with the hottest hot sauce you can find. Hipsters love hummus.

13. Steal toilet paper from hipster restaurants so any hipster that uses the bathroom will have to go through an embarrassing situation. Put glue on the toilet seats in hipster restaurants. Hell, put glue (or just another lock) in the front door locks so they can’t even open for business. Running a business is hard enough, and with the appropriate sabotage hipster businesses will close their doors for good. Then hipsters will have no “space” and will have to move away or take their meds and become normal.

14. If you are a vending machine, eat the hipsters’ money and then display a message that says something like “Fuck you hipster,” or “isn’t Pepsi too mainstream?” Or go deeper and read “I’m cold on the inside, but not as cold as a hipster’s heart.” I don’t know, do something. Instead of dispensing an RC Cola, give them a Coke. Or better yet, a Diet Coke to make them self-conscious about their weight.

15. Destroy Tumblr. It and its contents must disappear from the internet forever and not be reproduced anywhere.

16. If you can’t do anything else, do some anti-hipster graffiti. Put it on bathroom walls. Put it on regular walls. Put it near bike racks where hipsters can see it. Put it in abandoned areas where hipsters like to do their shitty photo shoots. Just make sure they can read it without any effort, since these fucktards are so detached and apathetic about anything that isn’t themselves or their clique.

Please circulate my list, and give credit to this blog.

May the hipster holocaust begin!