Common Sense Class

So I can’t find the video, but Gabriel Iglesias has a bit in his recent stand up comedy special where he talks about “common sense class.”  He thinks common sense should be a class in high school.

I think it should be a class at VCU required from the 101 level to the 301 level.

It should also be required for anyone over 40, student or not.

He says something along these lines.

“Hello. Welcome to common sense class. Let’s begin.

Up

Down

Left                                                           Right

Take a shower. Take a shower!

TAKE A SHOWER!!!!”

Art students, women’s studies, and social justice majors need to bathe. So do old ass men and hipsters.

Old people are Nazis and Rapists

“Can I help you?” I heard that the other day. Some snotty, old fat lady said that to me in the rudest voice at the pharmacy a few weeks ago. She said it in a way that implied I shouldn’t be a customer at the pharmacy, as if I were a criminal. She was nicer to the ancient men in line before me, but rude to me. I got this from a 45 (looking) land whale in the post office too. What the fuck is that shit? They don’t know me, I wasn’t breaking any rules, they had no excuse to open their hamburger holes and talk to me like that. What are they mad because no man will touch them and their husbands are so old that even their dicks have Alzheimer’s?!

I am sick of old people. I’m sick of them. They can say and do whatever they want and nobody calls them on their bullshit, but then they have the nerve to complain about “those rotten teenagers.” Fuck old people. They are worse than hipsters and trannies combined.

Back in January I went into this restaurant and seated myself (because the sign said to) and the old waiter ignored me. The place wasn’t busy either. This asshole had numerous opportunities to address me, to offer me a menu, something. He did none of those things. He just talked to the customers who were already there, all of which were 40 + (older than me). Then a bunch of other old guys walk in and he helps them while continuing to ignore me. So I left. What the fuck is that shit? They act like my money isn’t green.

I was in an airport recently (in a different city). This old ass man, who must have been at least 500 years old (OK, at least 70) is sitting at the end of a row of seats in the waiting area (before our flight boarded). I sit two seats down from him, he uses a grouchy tone to tell me his wife was sitting there and that I can’t sit there. Again, I emphasize, I was two seats down. I wasn’t next to him. I saw his wife’s stuff in the seat next to him, which isn’t where I was sitting. His wife eventually came back and claimed the seat (the one I sat next to). So he was acting as if I took someone’s seat, and I didn’t. Then his wife starts talking to people and making them feel awkward. She asked me where I was going, and I said Richmond, VA. Her and her zombie husband laughed at me, like there is something funny about that. Now I know, I bash Richmond a lot. I hate this place and its people with a passion. But here is the thing. If you don’t know someone, and they didn’t do anything wrong or annoying, and you ask them a question, you don’t laugh at them and make fun of them. You don’t make fun of people you don’t know. But since these monkey’s-asses were old they could get away with acting like that. If this seems hypocritical, then let me dust off a quote from that cum-dumpster you call a mom. “Do as I say not as I do.”

When I was in the Richmond airport, there was this stupid bitch who somehow managed to get the job of TSA officer. Yeah, she was at least 40. I have encountered this arrogant cunt in the past. This bitch never talks to me, she just gives me condescending looks. Her colleague asked me to step through the X-ray or body scanner or whatever it was. He then clears me to go through. As I step through, this stupid woman blocks me. She holds her arm out and blocks me. Of course, she thinks she is too good to say anything, or explain the situation, she just blocks me. But here is the thing, her colleague (the other officer) cleared me to go through. There was no reason to block me. He had to tell this stupid cunt to let me through. These two officers were working maybe five feet apart from each other. There wasn’t a long line either. I hope that bitch reads this. Someone needs to ask her. How far up your ass is your head that you are unaware what your coworker, who is five feet away from you, is doing and saying? And to not speak to me, as if I’m not worth addressing because I’m young. Fuck you bitch. If I see her in public I am confronting her.

Old people shouldn’t be allowed to be cops either. I remember this one VCU pig who was at least 50. He was guarding the sidewalk or some shit. The idiots in the city are always messing up the sidewalks for some unnecessary reason. Well, this cop, this campus pig, was apparently preventing people from using the destroyed sidewalk. Yes, his duty was necessary because VCU students are dumb enough to walk into a manhole (not joking). Well, as I’m walking, he holds his hand out to stop me. He says nothing to me at all. He just made a noise like he was irritated with me. He had a look on his face like I was stupid and burdening him by walking on the safe part of the sidewalk. Who the fuck are you pig? You think you are too good to just say the sidewalk is closed? You have to do that condescending arm thing? The only reason you are a campus police officer is because you weren’t man enough to be a city or state policeman. You just didn’t make the grade, and that is why you are stuck with being campus police at the Forrest Gump Institute for the Fucking Stupid… er, I mean VCU. I think he was just jealous of me because I don’t need Viagra and he does. I feel sorry for his wife. If I were her, I’d dump him like diarrhea.

Another old as man who pissed me off was this state trooper who was almost 60. This old shit was guarding a road that was having night construction done. He was directing traffic so you retards don’t run over a construction worker (you would, you’re dumber than a box of shit). Anyway, I pull up to the front since he let the car in front of me go. I’m confused. Instead of waving me on to go like a professional, this pig, who probably served in the Confederate police in his youth, decided to do a sarcastic bow. It was very condescending. I hope someone ran him over later that night.

One time I was outside of 7-11 and some old ass man with breathing tubes and all sorts of Vietnam War veteran pins and stuff comes up to me. This baby killer told me there was no soliciting there and that he would call the pigs. He said he cared because he “worked there.” First off, I wasn’t soliciting. Soliciting involves asking for money or things that involve money. I wasn’t doing that. But this guy couldn’t tell infants from soldiers in Vietnam, so I wouldn’t expect him to even know how to spell solicitation. Secondly, he didn’t work there. That was a bold faced lie. No business is going to hire a fat old man with tubes coming out of his neck and a cane. No business. Thirdly, real men don’t call the police. But then again, real men don’t shoot Vietnamese children and claim to be heroes. Oh, my hero. You lost a war and killed so many innocent kids in the process. Give me a break. He was clearly a failure as a man just like he was a failure as a soldier. Oh, by the way, he bought beer at 7-11. Because when you have trouble breathing and walking, nothing spells healthy and recovery like alcohol. Idiot.

And why is it that older teachers like to intimidate kids and bully them? Teachers are bigger bullies than the students a lot of the time? When I was a kid, I had this one gym teacher that gave me a hard time for no reason. I never did anything to him and I never said anything in class. One time he bitched to us that his kid (who I feel sorry for) was in class with a special-needs student, and she was taking all the attention away from his kid since special-needs students need a lot of help. Guess what jackass, that is life. The special kid’s parents payed their money, she has just as much of a right to be there as your kid. The world isn’t going to stop for you, so quit whining you entitled punk. Yeah, I can call old people entitled too.

I had this one professor who did nothing but insult the class and call them whiners, but he was the biggest cry baby of them all. He complained that it took him two hours just to grade our quizzes, and blamed us for it (yes, he blamed the class). Guess what, jackass? That is normal for a professor. That is how that job works. What were you expecting? And his assistant deserved to have acid thrown on his face. He would email people at 1 AM and say they had something due by noon. Let me rephrase that. He would give you an assignment at 1 AM due later that day. As if we didn’t have other classes or jobs. He was a single father too. I feel sorry for his kid. This bullshit is why his baby’s mama left him, and why his kid will probably hang himself when he is a teenager.

When I was a teenager, I remember having jobs where older coworkers would stand right in front of me and make jokes about how funny it would be to hurt me. And the boss turned a blind eye to it. Older people think this is acceptable, but the second a younger person even moves one second too slowly they throw a fit. Speaking of which, I would constantly get bitched at for not getting something from our cart, which was three feet away, fast enough. It was three feet away and I moved plenty fast. Real life isn’t like the internet, you can’t have things in the blink of an eye.

The way old men act, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have all raped someone in the past. All old men are rapists whether they admit it or not. They are mad that younger women won’t engage in consensual activities with them, as if the are required to fuck them or something. They are control freaks. When in office, they refer to cities as “my town.” When they are managers, they refer to stores as “my store.” No, creampuff, it isn’t your city or your store. You don’t own it, you were just entrusted to administrate it. Your authority comes from someone else. It isn’t yours, you are not Sultan of Sacramento  you are not the Duke of Dick’s, you are not the Monarch of Montreal, you are not the Regent of Richmond, and you are not the King of Kroger.

Speaking of managers, the term has the word “man” in it, but managers aren’t real men.

The bottom line is, old men aren’t real men. They call the police (pigs) to do their dirty work for them because they can’t do it themselves. Why? Because they aren’t real men. Old men are a bunch of creampuffs, Nazis, and rapists. I’m calling you out on your bullshit and there is nothing you can do about it.

Here is an open challenge. Anybody age 55 or over who wants to fight me, hit me up and we’ll fight.

Slaughter the Lamb of God

If you don’t know who Randy Blythe is, you have a good life. For those who don’t know, Blythe is the lead singer for the “rock band” Lamb of God. They originally spawned from Richmond, which is cause enough for one to question their mental capabilities. Now a Czech criminal psychologist is saying that Blythe is mentally defective. He has trouble controlling his pissy little kid emotions. Most people in Virginia do. It’s a whole state filled with people who weren’t locked in the closet enough as kids.

Another thing about Randy Blythe is that, despite his deep-voice singing on stage, he has a girl’s voice in real life. Just look at the interview video at the end of this entry. If you watch interviews with his wife, you’ll see that she has a deeper voice than he does. I wonder who is in control in the bedroom, considering she is more of a man than he is. Speaking of his voice, his singing sounds like someone straining to take a dump. Of course, he is so skinny he looks like he hasn’t had a good dump in years.

And what is with that thing on his face? No, not his god awful hipster glasses. I mean that “soul patch.” Does he fuck his smelly looking wife with that? Does she like it or something? Or is that the only big boy hair he can grow on his face? If it wasn’t for music, he wouldn’t have a wife. I mean come on, he looks like a pee-encrusted muppet that someone found in a dumpster. No normal woman would date him. Then again, Richmond doesn’t have normal women. Hey lady, you know that your rock star husband is probably fucking tons of other women on tour right?

Going back to the interview below, you’ll notice how he mentions that he deleted his Twitter account because it got “stupid” and it made him lose faith in humanity. He described his Twitter followers, his own fans, as engaging in “mass idiocy.” That is what he thinks of you! All of you who have supported him and spent your hard earned money on his shitty CDs. He thinks you are “idiots.” He is right, but he still shouldn’t talk about his fans that way. He also said you all “depleted his brain cells.” He looks to me like he had no brain cells to begin with. They all died when he soaked his hair in cat urine or whatever he used.  A white guy with dreadlocks, lice, and a nerd watch on his limp wrist (accompanied by a ton of abstinence bracelets) calling other people idiots. Now that is like shit telling puke that it stinks. You know what makes me lose faith in humanity? A man with 100 Mickey Mouse tattoos like Randy. I mean come on, his hair is bigger than his head! Did he have to check that as carry-on luggage when he flew? Perhaps he is too dumb to notice his hair. Then again, he looks like a deformed goat with short hair so maybe that was his attempt at looking normal.

I know the Czechs aren’t threatening him with a death sentence, but I hope they give it to him. I hope they kill him. I hope they cut his empty head off (both of them). I hope they stick his balls in his decapitated head’s mouth and ship his dead carcass back to Richmond. He probably should have been embalmed years ago since he looks like he already smells worse than death. I hope they dump his body right on Monument Avenue for all the hipsters, punks, old ass men, and other shitheads to see. That should be their fate too.

If this upsets you, remember that he thinks you are idiots. While I’m at it, Czechs are smarter than Americans.

Umbrellas

Why is it that men in Richmond don’t use umbrellas? It’s only the women. I first noticed this in high school. Hey dumbasses, the hood on your hoodie wasn’t meant to keep you dry. Nobody wants to see your wet clothes sticking to your fat man-tits.

Then they get all sick, come to class or work or wherever and get me sick. Douchebags.

Then again, the fact that they aren’t smart enough to know it is raining is just like Virginia. The people here don’t listen. You could explain to them that it has been proven by experts that the alphabet is ABCD and so on. Despite the evidence, they would continue to argue, or act like, the alphabet is ACDB and they may even throw in some emoticons because they’re that fucking stupid.

Use a fucking umbrella, dumbass!

Free Tuition

So lately I’ve heard a bunch of loud, and apparently reckless, dumb asses at VCU talking about how you will get free tuition if you get hit by a car. They think that the person who runs you over will have to pay your tuition. That is nothing but ten pounds of Ram crap in a five pound bag.

The other day I heard one jackass yelling outside of the commons at someone. He was yelling,”Please, give me free tuition!” as if the person who allegedly (allegedly!) almost hit him was the worst sort of criminal. Well, I have news for this poser, this fake tough guy, and all of the other stupid asses on campus.

THERE IS NO FREE TUITION

YOU SUICIDAL ASS CLOWNS!

Sorry to burst your idiot-bubbles, but none of the official VCU codes and rules say anything about free tuition for (stupid) people who get hit by cars. Although you will get a grant valid at Natural Selection University, or a nomination for a Darwin Award.

This is a myth that, according to the internet, is popular on campuses across the USA. It probably stemmed from a misunderstanding. Maybe a college student, especially a Virginia one, with their low-level reading comprehension (you people read and comprehend like 2nd graders), read a news article about a student suing a driver who hit them and winning, then using that money for tuition. But nobody is going to pay your tuition if you hop in front of their vehicle. If anything, you are taking a serious risk of getting hurt, and there may be instances where you aren’t allowed to take it to court.

But I know you people are as dumb as a box of shit, and will keep walking in front of my car anyway because you don’t care about anyone other than yourselves. You think drivers, who aren’t financially better off than you, owe you something. Do you blithering imbeciles even look where you’re going or are you too distracted by your Justin Bieber music on your iPods to notice cars? You are the most impatient, self-absorbed pieces of shit in Virginia. And Virginia is the state with the most per capita pieces of shit, shitheads, shit for brains, dipshits, shit biscuits, and fart-knockers. Congratulations VCU, you’re finally the cream of the crop for something. When your parents said you wouldn’t be shit, well, they were wrong. I mean, they were right, but they were also wrong.

I hope all of you get hit by trains and speeding tractor trailers, and I hope you die slowly and painfully or suffer a life as a cripple. Most importantly, I hope you don’t get any free money for it. I shudder to think how you would spend it.

Know this. If I ever hit someone with my car, I will put it in reverse and run over them again.

Don’t get me wrong, Richmond drivers are pretty crappy themselves. That is another post for another day. It will be a longer one too.

Dickheads

In the United Kingdom they have a special word for hipsters. They don’t try to be nice to them or sugarcoat their frustration with these defective “people.” They just come right out and call hipsters what they are, dickheads! Oh those foreigners, they’re so fucking clever.

I saw this musical video when it first went viral, but I forgot about it until recently. So next time you see anyone who even sort of looks like a hipster at VCU (or wherever you are on the planet), tell them what a dickhead they are. Maybe we can make stickers that say “dickhead” and put them on hipsters’ bikes when they aren’t looking.

Discriminate Against Hipsters

Well, it has been some time since the Ice Bear made a new post here. But he is back!

I saw a disgusting hipster bitch walking down the street last week. She said hello to her friend, and the way she did it seemed so fake. And of course, she had on that ridiculous sweatband or whatever hipster “women” wear on their heads. I think this is what makes them stupid. It cuts off circulation to their brains. Either that or the ink from all their Mickey Mouse tattoos lowers the IQ of the average hipster.

Anyway, here is my plan for dealing with the hipster plague.

1. If you own a store, don’t sell Pabst Blue Ribbon. Try humiliating those who want to buy it. If you work at a store, do this to the best of your ability. Maybe you can hide the PBR or “forget” to put it on the shelf.

2. Discriminate against hipsters in business establishments. If a hipster comes to your bar or restaurant, ignore them and don’t seat them if you can help it. If you can get away with throwing them out, do it. If you are a clerk or something, go on break or do something that takes a long time when you see a hipster is next in line. If you own a business, put up a “No Hipsters” sign on the window. Or just name a dish or drink something like “The Hipster Killer.”

3. If you are a teacher, give them bad grades if you can no matter how well they do in class. If you email the class, don’t email them. If you are a student in a class with a hipster, get people to avoid sitting near them. If you are on a project team, be bad teammates to them. When it’s time to evaluate, give the hipster a bad evaluation.

4. If you see a hipster walking down the street, beat them up if you can get away with it. If you can’t beat them up, spit on them and make it known you hate them because they are hipsters. If you see a hipster “woman” walking down the street, have the nearest normal female(s) beat her up. If this isn’t practical, spit on her and tell her hipsters aren’t welcome in your town.

5. If you see a hipster on the road, give them the finger and beep at them regardless of how they are driving. Throw things at them from your vehicle if the hipster is a pedestrian or on a bike.

6. Rip down or crumple up advertisements for hipster events, such as hipster concerts and teach-ins on how bathing is sexist. Then throw the crumpled up poster at the nearest hipster.

7. Get a group of friends together and stand outside of, or near, hipster hangouts and try to intimidate the hipsters as they walk by.

8. Have a public burning of books popular among hipsters.

9. Have an anti-hipster rally. I’d love to see images on the news of little hipsters crying because so many people hate them.

10. Damage bicycles that look like hipster bikes. Leave a note that says it’s because you don’t like hipsters.

11. Leave dead animals on hipsters’ porches.

12. Taint any nearby hummus with the hottest hot sauce you can find. Hipsters love hummus.

13. Steal toilet paper from hipster restaurants so any hipster that uses the bathroom will have to go through an embarrassing situation. Put glue on the toilet seats in hipster restaurants. Hell, put glue (or just another lock) in the front door locks so they can’t even open for business. Running a business is hard enough, and with the appropriate sabotage hipster businesses will close their doors for good. Then hipsters will have no “space” and will have to move away or take their meds and become normal.

14. If you are a vending machine, eat the hipsters’ money and then display a message that says something like “Fuck you hipster,” or “isn’t Pepsi too mainstream?” Or go deeper and read “I’m cold on the inside, but not as cold as a hipster’s heart.” I don’t know, do something. Instead of dispensing an RC Cola, give them a Coke. Or better yet, a Diet Coke to make them self-conscious about their weight.

15. Destroy Tumblr. It and its contents must disappear from the internet forever and not be reproduced anywhere.

16. If you can’t do anything else, do some anti-hipster graffiti. Put it on bathroom walls. Put it on regular walls. Put it near bike racks where hipsters can see it. Put it in abandoned areas where hipsters like to do their shitty photo shoots. Just make sure they can read it without any effort, since these fucktards are so detached and apathetic about anything that isn’t themselves or their clique.

Please circulate my list, and give credit to this blog.

May the hipster holocaust begin!

Kid Touchers

So in one of my classes in a previous semester, I found proof that eating in Carytown will lower your IQ. The proof was in the form of this one oinker, I mean fat guy.

This mother fucker was fat, wore grandpa shoes, had those awful fucking hipster glasses, didn’t shave, and obviously didn’t bathe. The hair on his head looked like pubic hair. Maybe that is why he had a beard, to prevent women from finding out that his face was made of dick skin when they slap him after his awful pickup lines. The fact that he thought his appearance was acceptable for an aspiring professional is proof enough that he ate one too many Carytown burgers, causing him to drop into retardation.

Going further, this guy (a grown man) once wore a hat from a children’s club to class. If his appearance didn’t scream “I touch kids” enough, this hat made it clear that he should never be left alone with children.

Moral of the story, don’t eat in Carytown or you will turn into a dumb ass and a child molester.
Also, VCU shouldn’t have a football team because it would just follow in the footsteps of Penn State, and I don’t mean the good footsteps. Think about it, they already caught one VCU police officer with child pornography in 2011. Maybe that is why Mr. Foreskin Face and his grandpa shoes wasn’t sent to the slammer. Maybe the police approve of kid touchin’ in good ol’ Virginia.

Homeland Security Degrees

I found this recently, and it reminded me of every university in Virginia. It especially reminded me of VCU Homeland Security and Emergency Preparedness majors. It also reminds me of the Arts students, among others.

182160_285982728191375_873678182_n

Let’s start with these Homeland Security Nazis. For real, fuck you people. The terrorists are a figment of your imagination. If anything, you people and your politicians, as well as your psychotic, killing obsessed soldier counterparts are the reason suicide bombers exist. You shit stains are the cause of the problems you want to fight. 9/11 was over a decade ago. You are useless now, and in another ten years you will be forgotten relics like your Cold War predecessors.

I’m sick of seeing you idiots around on campus. You people dress as dumb as the Art majors. Sure, you guys have a little more taste than Art students, but even the Gestapo dressed up. You probably secretly admire the Nazis too, huh? It’s OK, it’s not your fault your parents beat you or locked you in the basement when you were kids.

Let me describe the dress of two Homeland (in)Security majors I encountered. The first was a dumb ass white boy. He dressed like he was a detective out of a really old movie. He had a tie, a suit, an out of date hat, and even a briefcase. He would dress like that every day. It was a nice change from the dirty, smelly hipsters and punks, but damn it was stupid. He was basically playing pretend with his entire life. He didn’t work for the government. He wasn’t Dick Tracy. He was just a goober in a suit who lives in a fantasy world. If he ever does get a job with the Department of Homeland Security, it’ll probably be some armpit job as a TSA officer. Have fun looking at people’s dirty underwear you fucking dork.

Now, black students shouldn’t feel left out. I have encountered a dumb ass black guy too. The white boy thought he was Dick Tracy, but his counterpart thought he was Shaft! Unlike Shaft, however, his afro was huge. I hope he knows that is out of style now too, just like white boy’s dumb hat. Anyway, this Black Dynamite want to be walked around in what looked to be a leather business jacket or something. He also dressed fancy. But again, he didn’t work for the government. He was just playing pretend with his boring life. Maybe he figured if he seemed more interesting (as opposed to actually being interesting), that these snotty VCU girls would like him. Of course, the equally stupid VCU girls thought he was cool. But I shouldn’t be so upset, VCU students aren’t known for their smarts or common sense. When he graduates, he will be the most stylish TSA underwear sniffer at the Richmond International Airport.

Just as a side comment, I wonder if this guy had an extra large Afro to make up for his extra small pecker.

While I’m at it, I’m sick of veteran students getting away with whatever they want. Oh, your job was to shoot Arab kids in the head. My hero. Let me know when you are qualified to do something useful in the real world.

And to the various Art majors, I have two things to say. 1. Yes, I want fries with that, and 2. No thanks, I will just pay you for the regular hand job.

Politically Retarded

This is what the typical VCU student sounds like when you talk politics and history with them. It doesn’t matter if they are right-wing, left-wing, or moderate, they are entirely uninformed or misinformed, and yet incredibly opinionated. Chances are they are just repeating what they heard elsewhere. You’d think college students would have original thoughts. They don’t, they’re dumb as a box of shit.

The video below is from a Saturday Night Live bit called “the girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party.” It reminded me of VCU. This is what you idiots look like!

One time I made the mistake of getting into a conversation with this punk girl about history, and she didn’t agree with anything I said. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. The problem is she didn’t say anything thoughtful, she just kept telling me how wrong I was. She had light blue hair too. It’s just like, damn bitch, don’t just talk to me like that when you look like the Cookie Monster’s heroin-addicted booty call (who, in the end, turns out to be his long lost daughter). You father fucker.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: